Healed.

They ask in hushed tones if I’m OK, standing still, afraid to open the dusty curtains in case the sunlight is too happy, too much, too bright.  They whisper phrases like “I hope you can heal,” and fuss about the room unsure where to put the cards and flowers.

I laugh, sending a ripple of energy through the room, unexpectedly scattering the brittle petals of the long-dead roses.  Stepping to the window, I fling open the curtains and raise the window to let in the fresh air. “Don’t you see?” I gleefully ask.  “The illness is gone.  I am free of that which held me back and weighed me down.  There is no need to tiptoe about as if I were inflicted.”

I breathe deeply of the coming-spring air and feel myself eager to touch the earth with my bare feet. He is long gone, and so is the drama, the emotional drain, the suffering.  Here in my home is my forever family, and there, outside, is the bold and vibrant world.

I laugh again, letting it ripple through my body, my body so alive and awake and well.

Hello

Goodbye worry, hello joy!

Hello sweet woman with a shy smile and desire to please.

Hello vibrant goddess with lips soft and yielding

Hello tall, strong Viking with earnest passion and protective arms

Hello explorer with refined tastes and intelligence to spare

Goodbye to wondering, waiting, hoping

Hello to new hellos, to first kisses, to pleasures that await

Hello new chapter.  Hello, hello hello!

Still here.

Still ( ) here

Erase every last word
The stories will last
Delete my number
My voice will sing
Wipe the slate clean
Love lingers in chalk dust
Grow yourself a new name
It sprang from the seeds of us
Pretend I’m a vanished ghost
I’m still

fucking

here.

(c) Aurora Day, 2014

Stripped

I want you bare before me:
your fine clothing – wrinkled heaps
your rich words – crumbled moans
your mask of power – crushed fragments

I want you naked and kneeling:
your strong body – my noble offering
your sharp mind – my tabula rasa
your rooted soul – my humble supplicant

I will not settle for anything less than you:
the you behind every learned gesture
the you beyond the safety of your thoughts
the you soaring free and fearless

And then, in that purple heaven I will show you:
the heat of my body’s desire
the ferocity of my protection
the unfailing embrace of every darkness in you

Stripped. 
Adored. 
Mine.

Everything is connected.

The Explorer leaned back after having his plea to be kissed answered.  A sly grin spread across his face as he pondered out loud “How is that we have never met?”

I knew what he meant, for I couldn’t fathom how we had only first exchanged emails a month ago.  Some souls resonate with us as if we have known them for lifetimes.  Or were born from the same star.  Certainly we had quickly identified aligned philosophies, values, approaches, and interests both mundane and erotic.  Where we saw differences, we saw potential, a yin-yang of needs and delectable delights.

Timing is important in music, and it is important in meeting whom we are meant to know.  This song is new, yet familiar, a melody etched into a deeper part of the self while being as fresh as the ink on a 6-day tattoo.

I hold no expectations while I hold myself open to possibility.  For now, I am enjoying the thrill of the Explorer’s energy, inspiring me to be the best me I can, to contemplate paths I couldn’t see even two months ago, and to bask in the luxury of rich kisses, tingle-inducing texts, and a life better lived.

Carnal Apple by Neruda

Pablo Neruda:

Carnal apple, Woman filled, burning moon,
dark smell of seaweed, crush of mud and light,
what secret knowledge is clasped between your pillars?
What primal night does Man touch with his senses?
Ay, Love is a journey through waters and stars,
through suffocating air, sharp tempests of grain:
Love is a war of lightning,
and two bodies ruined by a single sweetness.
Kiss by kiss I cover your tiny infinity,
your margins, your rivers, your diminutive villages,
and a genital fire, transformed by delight,
slips through the narrow channels of blood
to precipitate a nocturnal carnation,
to be, and be nothing but light in the dark.

Queen Rising

In my months of craving submission and leadership, I never stopped to consider that perhaps the other side of my switch nature needed to breathe, too.  That the focus on yielding made me forget the goddess-queen who knows she is worthy of worship, of supplicants to bring her pleasure and joy.  And to inspire her strong command and her guidance.

Sometimes it takes the spark of another to relight the pilot light of the soul and remember that feeling of gracious control, of holding dear and safe to her breast the tender desire of one who needs her rule.

The light of such a shining star may illuminate the path before her.

I awaken.  I feel.  I rise.

First Ink (Welcoming Dawn)

Biting kiss (sublime pain)

Silent wings (drumming heart)

Dark star (blazing light)

Mortal body (rising goddess)

Athena’s owl (coming home)

 

NRE

As a romantic and lover of life, I am all for the beautiful intensity of NRE (New Relationship Energy) and the fuel it gives new relationships of any sort (whether friendships, romantic connections, or even new hobbies).  Some of the best art is created during this hormone-infused state. NRE happens even in monogamous relationships, often called the “honeymoon period” and can last about a year.  There is a chemical in the brain that causes this state.

I fondly remember the first few years of with my Knight, where the NRE was powerful, and we fell in love deeply and quickly, with an intense spiritual connection across time and space.  Music sounded different, everything felt brighter.  It was a bond that was transformative and changed the direction of my life for the better.

Of course, NRE must and does become MRE (Mature Relationship Energy, elegantly described by Julian).  It’s inevitable.  People change, too, and needs shift. And you have to look at what remains, what commitments and love still hold you together.  And sometimes that love also means letting go of old ways of interacting.

It’s important to keep everything in perspective and this article, in my view, does a great job of explaining more about NRE: Polyamory 101: New Relationship Energy.   An endorphin-fueled state that can certainly lead to a compromised emotional state.  Of course, those experiencing NRE may adamantly deny that it is such.  I recall with a wry smile going through this and even feeling annoyed at my current partner for pointing out NRE.  “It is a love like no other.  It’s bigger than NRE!” 

NRE is a powerful force.  I look forward to enjoying it again someday, with the experience and knowledge of my past. For now, I remain in love with life, possibility, beauty and hope.

 

 

A Day of Yes

I recently celebrated another birthday in the midst of change and uncertainty.  Coming home to the self is not always easy, but the self is really all we have.  People change, leave, and yet we remain with ourselves.  We can share ourselves, and experience love. But ultimately we die alone. 

Thus, I declared my birthday a day to say yes to myself.  No plans were made, simply the commitment to live fully in the present moment, and decide in each and every part of the day what I most wanted.  A day of yes.  A day to honor this relationship with the self.

As the day began, I quickly realized that there are so many “others” in my head telling me what I *should* do.  How startling it can be to realize all the insidious, subtle ways we tell ourselves NO.  Even despite the years of work I’ve done to exorcise those influences and be mindful of the self.

Relishing a hot bath while reading a magazine, I heard a voice telling me it was time to get out.  Did I want to?  No.  So I didn’t until I was ready and wanted to. 

Listening to a favorite song, I wanted to listen to it again, and then again.  I heard someone telling me I should try a different song or that it was silly to listen to the same song five times in a row. Well, I kept pushing replay until I was done.

Brunch was on the early side and I heard the voice saying I shouldn’t have the drink I wanted.  Oh yeah?  I’ll have that drink, please.

And so it continued – a day of yes in little ways and big ways.  Listening to the truth of the heart affirms our very existence and our right to have our needs, desires and dreams met.  The inputs in our head may have valid points, but it is vital that we evaluate them against our own criteria.

This year, I will continue to say Yes! to myself.  And, to be deeply in touch with the person I’m closest to:  me.