A year ago, I did not imagine that the soul-splitting, searing pain of grief could have anything positive come out of it. My heart and body were in turmoil, battered from years of my own flavor of loss. I was immersed in a sea of loneliness, feeling lack of understanding by the sheer nature of experiencing something so life-changing and yet so difficult for most to understand. This fresh grief resurrected old pain and loss from my childhood, long buried and never fully healed.
And yet, as I emerge from the abyss of grief into the light of day, having fought many battles and winning a small measure of peace, I carry with me unexpected gifts. Gifts I am stunned to realize have shaped my life in a new direction and moved me forward on my soul’s journey.
Above all, I carry the gift of deeper compassion. While others may not understand my personal grief, everyone has experienced (or will experience) loss and grief and I sense a strong, connected compassion for this universal experience. I have recognized that while I may not have walked the same path of pain a friend has, I can still offer my outstretched arms and open heart, knowing what it’s like to walk those lonely, rocky roads. Compassion for others flows more easily. My soul has been etched with the lines of loss. Compassion for the self can still be a struggle but I sense it there, ready to bloom.
A companion to deeper compassion is the gift of fully feeling. I have always sought to live with joie de vivre. Our culture, however, seems intent on erasing any of the “negative” emotions. We are taught to “turn that frown upside down” and “don’t go to bed angry”. Children are given a cookie and told not to cry. As a young girl, I was certainly taught that anger was not appropriate. I was forced to suppress many of my feelings, even the positive ones, for fear of not fitting in or not being accepted.
Now, I have survived extreme pain and am still here. The lesson of going right into the fire of pain has shown me I can emerge safely on the other side. And so, too, can I experience immeasurable joy. That emotionally sensitive little girl is free to feel everything, knowing she will be OK.
The third gift is personal power. Strength in who I am. Knowledge that I can survive trauma without being stuck in the pain. Freedom to choose my path going forward.
From these gifts, I feel a new sense of self and experience the world differently. The music I sing and listen to impacts me in new ways. For example, when I discovered Mahler’s Das Lied von der Erde at age 20 in college, I immediately loved the work for its rich orchestration and the elegant combination of symphony and song cycle. Recently, relistening to this work, I sobbed thinking about loss, knowing Mahler wrote this after the death of his daughter Maria. I resonated with the breathtaking sense of life, loss, and the eternal. “Ewig.. ewig..” “Endless, endless”. Ultimately, embracing grief as a part of life gives me an ability to live it more fully.
And live I shall. Fully, deeply, compassionately, joyfully.
Your words are an inspiration to me in hopes that I, too, can come out successfully through my ‘grief filled world’ to the other side…
Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it. May you find peace.