Details.

In my professional life, “detail-oriented” has often appeared in my resume, performance reviews, and notes of praise.  As I’ve progressed in my career, this has been replaced with descriptors that denote a more managerial, less-administrative approach.

However, this side of self still exists very deeply.  I believe that details make the difference.  They matter.  The right word, the carefully chosen outfit, a Dom’s coffee preference.

I crave receiving service where the subtle is noticed and remembered.  If you are serving me tea, note how I’ve requested no sugar, non-dairy creamer, and then you will not need to ask again.

Above all, I crave giving service where I have opportunity to delight with remembered details.  Remembering that you don’t eat pork and planning the menu around that.  Finding out that your favorite drink is a Manhattan and researching the best ingredients, consulting a professional bartender, and practicing until I have it made perfectly the way you like it.  Noticing that your favorite scent is gardenia and presenting you with a gardenia-scented candle.

I will let you in a little secret of mine.  I write details down.  (Oh, Evernote, how I adore you.)  I keep a “dossier” on my loves and my play partners and even people whom I’ve recently met but suspect I may have opportunity to interact with.  I note birthdays, food and beverage preferences, favorite colors, names of pets.  This practice helps me provide the level of service I desire.

The smile on a Dom(me)’s face when I practice this careful attention,  along with, perhaps, a “good girl”, is the reward I crave.

Suffering

“I need pain,” I begged him.

“Why?” he gently inquired.

“I crave it intensely, from a place deep inside myself that is difficult to name.”

“What does pain look like for you?” he asked.

It was an important question for a masochist and one whose answer I had not fully formed.

My body knew the need – the ardent longing to be unconditionally in the moment.  The vanishing of all thought as the searing pain enters my skin, my muscles, my flesh.  A primal compulsion to acknowledge the frailty of the body and be rendered helpless.  Endorphins flooding the body and an uncontrollable response of.. wetness.

My spirit understood the need.  Succumbing to the power of another, being free of everything except that shared moment in time.  Basking in mutual trust, and the give-and-take dance between sadist and masochist.  Connecting to a more universal truth of the suffering of all beings.

My heart recognized the need.  Wanting to be marked, to be His, and to be a catalyst for His power.  In the days after, as bruises blossom, to softly touch the visible reminders of His desire for me.

In pain and the days following, I am alive.  The world is seen with new clarity, as if pain has washed away a layer of fatigued dirt.  I am strong and unafraid, knowing the punishment my body can undergo and emerge triumphant.  I am connected to a sense of the universal truth of our humanity, and of the shortness of our years on this planet.

I need pain because I am.. here.

Mommy

I confess that I had never fully understood age play.  Sure, I had found myself in two D/s relationships where it felt natural to call my lover “Daddy”.  That to me, was based on the feeling that I was being cared for in a paternal way.  His strength, dominance, and leadership allowed me to let go into my joyful, youthful state. It was, however, different, than what I am experiencing now.

Recently, I met someone significantly younger than myself (Cougar Awakening) with whom I greatly enjoy being “Mommy” to his “boy”.  He awakens my maternal instinct and desire to fiercely protect and nurture and yes, punish, as needed.  It feels natural and right for him to whisper Mommy while begging me to spank, kiss or hold him.

To be called Mommy is new and tender.  I cannot have biological children and am at peace with that.  So having a boy whisper Mommy in my ear is a thrill that I never expected to have.  Furthermore, I fully embrace it.  I see how our age difference is a graceful convergence of different perspectives and longings.  I feel intense satisfaction in being able to buy him new shoes and shirts simply because he needs them.   I adore how he beams at me with pride when I praise him for a task well done.

This sweet boy has opened my eyes to the comfort and rightness in this flavor of connection and made me cognizant of a number of my own needs which I had put aside as impossible.  As I continue to explore this dynamic, I am grateful for this bright, new awakening.

Wearing My Heart On His Fleece

He is thousands of miles away, traveling for business.  Although we’ve been apart much longer, distance amplifies the longing, intensifying my need for his touch, his words, his scent.

Fortunately, he accidentally left his well-worn fleece here last weekend.  I cling to the soft blue-gray material, holding it to my face and inhaling his scent.  His essence permeates the fabric and I hold it against my flesh, close my eyes, and feel him there.

I crawl in bed with the jacket against me.  I am remembering our first meeting, nearly 3 years ago, when he was wearing this.  I can hear his laughter, see his smile, and taste our first kiss.

He has worn this article on so many adventures across the past 3 years.  Seaside explorations.  Wine country tastings.  Island overnights in forest cabins.

He has held me as softly as the fabric, protected me from the rain and wind and cold, and wrapped me in his love.

I am his, cherished and beloved, as he is mine. Throughout the years we, too, become well-worn.  And ever more deeply in love.

Tug-Of-War

In my explorations around my switch nature, I did not imagine the intensity of the scenario I found myself in Sunday night.  Both sides of myself being richly and fully present at the same time.  Feeling the surge of desire to experience it all at once and the struggle for which side would hold court that evening.

It was my first time at the elegant protocol event with a focus on art, beauty, service and socializing.  Attending as a patron, my dragon-mother dominance was a bonfire in my being.  I knew a certain serving boy had requested my patronage and I was intensely looking forward to continuing the exploration of our deepening connection.  I knew he’d be wearing the black socks I’d had delivered and I had a special item for him tucked in my bag.

As he was presented to me by a hostess, the flames of my core crackled.  I wanted to touch him, scratch him, devour him.  But I would have to wait for the proper time so he could perform his serving duties and show off the training he had invested time and energy into.  He was beaming with pride and desire and I drank in my own power as he kissed my boots.

And then, the waiting.  The socializing while drinking of pretty non-alcoholic beverages brought another pleasant distraction:  dancing with other dominant energies, siddling up to sadists, and flirting with friends.  I felt my masochist raise her hand timidly and my submissive service side awaken.  They wanted to play, too.

I began to see play happening.  Punishments of servers for missteps.  Creative demands as whimsical thoughts crossed someone’s mind.  Servers being spoken to firmly and corrected.  I had begun the evening already turned on from the atmosphere and this fuel was beginning to torment me.  Wanting to give and receive pain simultaneously.  Wanting to serve and be served.  These two sides were playing tug-of-war with my body.

When it was time for the boy’s play shift, I was able to regroup and ground myself in the dragon queen energy he elicited.  So eager, submissive, yearning, and willing.  Our short time together passed in what seemed only moments and I had to sadly return him to service.

Taking a deep breath and collecting myself, I resumed socializing.  Soon, the group I was with arranged for a masochist to join us.  She was young and beautiful and my fingers itched to touch her and hurt her.  Soon, however, I found myself unable to move, mesmerized by the scene unfolding before me.  Two handsome men in dark suits thoroughly beating a tied-down and helpless woman.  They were focused on her, breaking only to exchange smiles with each other. Her cries were the sweetest music I had heard in weeks.  She was enthralling.  And they were dark and sadistic and playful and incredibly good at the task of administering pain.

My breathing changed and I felt the masochist in me yearning to *be* her instead of *beat* her.  I watched, transfixed, as her pain and pleasure melded and the bruises appeared.  I needed pain, too.  Wet, oh so wet, and so incredibly turned on, I knew I would be remembering this scene for days, even weeks, as I pleasured myself.

Ultimately, I had to walk away.  Wanting, aching, needing pain.  Craving, desiring to give it.  I couldn’t reconcile these simultaneous surges.  I was exhausted from merely watching.

I found the boy and had him sit at my feet.  Breathing deeply, I pet his head, grounding myself again in our energy and knowing that soon, very soon, I would need to receive the gifts of pain and dominance.

Service Resumes

In the vanilla business world, resumes are a nearly-mandatory tool for communicating what someone has done and more importantly, what they can do for a future employer. Accomplishments, skills, experiences, praise. All of these contribute to a “personal brand”.

In the kink realm, as a submissive with very strong service learnings. I have often thought that building my service resume, modeled after business world resumes, could be a useful tool for helping my partners understand what I offer as well as what I want to become. For any potential submissives in my life, I also want to understand what skills and knowledge they bring to the table, as well as what they hope to learn and experience. I take very seriously my responsibility of training one who has placed their care in my hands. Helping others become the best they can be, achieve their hopes and dreams, and feel a sense of accomplishment is important to me; and ultimately, deeply satisfying.

Like vanilla world resumes, there are many different formats and sections that could be included and the final presentation of this would be an individual decision. Some possible content sections:

  • Self-Summary: Strengths and descriptions that summarize who I am at the core. Examples might be: Team player with strong people orientation. Self-starter with a passion for writing.
  • Skills: These can further subdivided into areas such as:
    • Business: Skills learned in business settings such as managing events, social media marketing, editing/writing, graphic design, etc.
    • Home Management: Skills developed to achieve competence in home maintenance such as cooking, baking, laundry, minor home repairs, gardening, etc.
    • Artistic/Performance: Talents and level of competence that might be useful to a Dominant such as singing, playing piano, photography.
    • Personal Service: pedicures, massage, etc.
  • Affiliations/Communities: Memberships and organizations such as the CSPC, leather organizations, etc.
  • Volunteering: Positions and types of activities utilized in volunteering such as answering phones, fundraising, social media marketing, event ambassador.
  • Education/Training: classes taken, conferences attended, books studied and read.
  • Future Desires: This section is not typically found on a business world resume; however I consider it an important part of the service resume. It could include skills desired or “in progress” (bootblacking is on my list). Or, classes desired such as rope bondage or erotic photography. For me, a personal example is my desire to learn how to create a strength training routine.

Like any resume, the goal is to present one’s self honestly and without overinflating qualifications.

As for sharing it, I will likely choose to keep my resume more private until conversations naturally led to the sharing of it. Of course, I’m not currently looking for anything in particular. I have my Knight, my beloved, who knows me well. Perhaps sharing my completed resume with him will give him ideas for even more ways I can be of service to him. I have some newer, budding connections, too, that might lend themselves to my requesting a resume so I might better understand how we can explore the synergy of a dominant-submissive service dynamic.

...smiles....

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