This week, the battle between Old Man Winter and Spring has been raging. Mornings of snowfall, followed by intense sunshine, back to showers. The birds are out and early spring plants are beginning to bloom. It’s cold as ice.
It seems fitting for how I feel. After several years of intense counseling and personal work, I am ready for spring. I long for the sun and green. And yet, I feel a battle raging. Winter has been stirring up old demons, doubts, and fears. The sense of progress has halted.
But there it is. The crocus popping up its pretty head to laugh at the snow.
And I know spring will come. It always does.
Inspired by my Knight’s posting on “The List“, who was inspired by a joyful soul, I am thinking about what lessons have impacted my entire life. And what I now am learning, particularly in these past two years of very difficult introspection. It’s a helpful exercise, a roadmap to find my way out of the past and into the present and who I want to be.
What I learned in childhood/young adult life:
- My parents, particularly my father, is more important than me. His needs are central to everyone and we all need to put him first.
- We must sacrifice our own needs, our own happiness, for those in need. Rescuing is the Christian thing to do.
- You must not say no when asked to help. No is a very bad, selfish word.
- How you look is very important. Especially if you hope to get a husband. You must never be overweight.
- Weight issues can be solved with bribery and criticism.
- Perfection is what we should strive for. Nothing less than an A will do.
- Spending money you don’t have is OK if you know there is a big payoff coming.. someday.
- You need to get married and have children to be a good Christian woman.
- You should never question your faith. Disobedience means you are a bad person.
- Getting sick, or bad things happening to you, is your own fault. Too bad.
- You don’t get to have privacy or safe spaces.
- If people make you uncomfortable, you are just being too sensitive. Get over it.
- You don’t get to be yourself if that self doesn’t conform to your cultural and religious upbringing.
- Sex is very, very evil, particularly before marriage. Avoiding premarital sex is of great importance. Too bad if you have desires. Find a husband.
- But.. you can go out with weird, older men because you just need to get married, no matter what.
- It’s OK to be sulky, petulent, and childish with your spouse.
- You must control the situation, and what people think of you. Anticipate or something bad can happen.
- The body is very evil, full of sin, and must be controlled.
What a sad list. There may be more to add. But now, onward to what I have recently learned and am striving to learn. Hard, painful work that has yielded tremendous growth the past few years.
- Sometimes we have to be our own parent, and finish growing ourselves up.
- We can protect ourselves, even if we weren’t protected and safe growing up. I am capable.
- Being kind to myself is not frivolous. It is the foundation for compassion towards the self.
- I am a spiritual person open to many different forms of faith and joy and cannot be confined by one restrictive religion.
- I can have multiple, loving relationships successfully and honestly.
- Having children isn’t for everyone. Whether by circumstance, choice or chance. And I can get my kid needs met in many other ways. I am not a failed woman.
- My parents didn’t have the skills they needed. And I forgive them. (Work in progress!)
- My body is beautiful and strong. (Work in progress!)
- Weight is not a measure of my worth as a woman.. or as a human being.
- Sensitivity and intuition are amazing gifts, not a weakness.
- Feeling all our emotions is important and OK. Anger is OK to feel.
- Sex is fantastic. A gift, an experience, a celebration. All my desires are OK.
- I am myself and I deserve to live in my own body, my own self without judgement from others.
- Bad things happen and it ISN’T OUR FAULT. Sickness is a part of life.
- So much of life is out of our control and it’s OK to let go, to live without trying to anticipate everything.
Be here, now.
My Knight has spoken of the importance of “recovery mechanisms” in open relationships for those instances where things go wrong (as they are bound to do). This concept is useful to me in other instances. For example, I recently became ill and got derailed from my daily writing (among daily other things). Instead of just giving up and throwing in the towel, as my perfectionistic side is screaming at me to do, I am returning to writing tonight. My recovery mechanism is to just write again when I can and am able and forgo the self-beatings.
This recovery practice will also accompany me in my exercising. If I miss a few days, being able to pick up and keep going means I am still moving forward without the all-or-nothing, must-do thinking so typical of my programs in the past.
Even in my voice lessons, where a “two steps-forward, one-step-back” model is quite prominent, knowing that I can have not-so-great week, and then keep going is powerful, moving me forward, despite the pace.
I stumble. I falter. I make mistakes. I get sick. And…I have a recovery mechanism – something as simple as permission to resume where I was without judgement. That is healing.
One of the big problems I have with so-called “diets” is the reduction of food to pure sustenance. The idea that food is simply composed of carbs, fats, proteins and should only be consumed for nourishment. Food as part of the “eat less, exercise more” mantra becomes a disconnected element in our lives, an external checks and balances sheet of nutrients.
We lose the connection to our bodies this way, sucked into the trap of monitoring the composition of food rather than our emotional connections to it and through it. When we eat with awareness, we feel the power of the food strengthening us, and also feel the the pure joy of engaging our senses. The juiciness of cherries. The creaminess of risotto. The sweetness of frosting. We are alive and in being mindful, food becomes a method of connection to ourselves.
Furthermore, I believe dining is a celebration. It is a central part of our interactions with family, coworkers, friends, partners. We break bread together and in the commune of sharing a meal, share a part of ourselves.
Tonight, sharing a celebratory dinner with my Knight and his wife, I was reminded of this truth because the nourishment wasn’t just the delicious food, lovingly prepared. It was also the nourishment of our connections, our time together, our joy and acknowledgement of our journey together in this lifetime.
My heart is full.
I am noticing a pattern. If my weekends are too busy and/or Mondays are on the intense side of life, I have a big drop in energy on Tuesday. These dips in energy and emotions remind me that I need to focus on my self once more. This awareness of a ongoing trend is new and from it, I can work towards reshaping my schedule. For now, I’m exhausted and bed calls. Who said blog posts have to be long and/or profound? I’m letting that idea go.. right now. Sweet dreams.
Voice lessons always remind me that there is never an end point of “ok, that’s it, I can sing perfectly now”. Indeed, it’s often two steps forward, one step back, and just when you think you have something, your teacher shows you another aspect to what you are studying.
Learning to live comfortably in that swirl of unending uncertainty is no easy task. For someone like me who wants to know what’s going to happen and likes having concrete goals to achieve, letting go and just seeing what I learn on the path is not exactly second nature. So I practice that, too, enjoying the moments of learning and progress.
It’s a lesson I can apply to all areas of my life including physical vibrancy. As I strengthen my body, I am focusing on the path, the here and now. At least, as best I can.
This weekend I explored two new experiences – one physical and one mental (a class). Both were things I had always wanted to try and never had. And both put me firmly outside my comfort zone. As I sat with my discomfort and fear, I also felt a sense of excitement and joy. I gave myself permission to be open to new ideas, new concepts. I consciously turned off the critical part of myself and worked to keep skepticism at bay. I am open to the idea that what I think I know may not be correct.
I also trust myself more, listening to my body and heart as to what I need and want. Instead of believing what my parents said, or what my partners think, or what I’ve read I *should* think, I stayed in touch with what I actually do think… and feel.
There is a wellspring of positivity and joy in me, and an abiding belief that I can change – myself and the world. New explorations remind me of this truth. It was a most satisfying weekend.
I am the queen of this castle, wandering the warm hallways of red and white and pink. The walls pulsate, a living creature, drawing me to their plush coverings. They make music. A song rising, growing louder, and I am dancing through each room. The walls grow brighter, shimmering and humming, until they dissolve into pure light. I am surrounded by ecstasy.
This connection with my body from inside out is a gift to myself.
It’s been a very long, very full week. A lot of excellent progress and some not so wonderful challenges. My body and brain are tired. As I think about this past week, I have a surge of gratitude. For the opportunity to take care of myself, to learn, and to change. I have access to tools and resources, and I have a support system that is incredible. I am filled with deep gratitude for this.
In addition to freedom, opportunity, and love, I am grateful for fall leaves. The colors have been extraordinary, nourishing my soul with red and gold. I am grateful for kale and bacon, satisfying my taste buds and body. I am grateful for the soft, supple fur of my kitten and his rumbly purr. I am grateful for a body that is feeling stronger each day. A body that is experiencing pleasure fully, in many ways. I am grateful for every moment I am alive.
My Knight believes that all fitness trainers have a good dose of sadist in them. I am finding this to be quite true. My new fitness coaching team makes jokes about getting paid to hurt people. There are exercises used involving hard foam rollers and rolling-pin like devices for muscle release, followed by intense stretching. What’s different, of course, is that these techniques are indeed helpful in correcting body issues and the philosophy of “I’m going to hurt you so you don’t injure yourself” actually makes sense.
At the same time, I can’t help but take a certain amount of glee in the idea that this experience mirrors some of my experience in BDSM and D/s. They push me hard, beyond what I can truly do myself. I have to remain fully present and aware of my body, prepared to call red, while trusting their experience and deep knowledge. There is a lot of reward in the form of “good job” and “well done, honey” that sounds very similar to “good girl” to my kinky ears. In many ways, it’s a scene. Not necessarily sexual, but very mental and very .. satisfying.
